Catfish Jesus
At my niece’s wedding I may have stumbled upon a mythological creature so rare that it has never been documented or thought up before. I looked back to see who was entering the doors at the back of the church when I noticed something just below the balcony. It appeared to be a stuffed and mounted catfish.
I know it sounds crazy. I pointed it out to a few people who agreed that it had the same outline and structure of a catfish, but no one believed that it was actually a catfish. I made my case to the skeptical neighbors sitting in my pew.
“I know it seems strange to have a picture of the Last Supper at the front of the church and a stuffed catfish on the balcony, but maybe some people choose to look to the front to worship Jesus and some people choose to pray to the catfish.”
They got a chuckle out of it, but soon dismissed my theory. Is it so crazy though to worship a catfish? I don’t know. People believe all sorts of things that seem crazy to non-believers. Maybe it is just a depiction of a lesser known miracle Jesus created. He could have taken one catfish and some how deep-fried a delicious catfish dinner for a large sum of people. He was known for being able to feed large groups of people with a small amount of food.
I was told it was a Baptist Church. I don’t know much about the Baptist Church, except I think that they do not believe in Transubstantiation like the Catholics do. So if the Catfish miracle was a part of their teachings they would not likely believe that they were eating the body of Christ every time they ate Catfish at a Church function.
There are others theories on the origins of the Catfish in the Church. Catfish Jesus scholars, of which I am currently the only one, believe it is possible that the Catfish is symbolic of the Devil, much like some believe a snake is a symbol of the Devil. First it is extremely strange-looking. I mean look at a catfish sometime it has big Salavdor Dali-esque whiskers.
People often associate strange-looking animals as symbols of evil, and docile cuter animals as being sent by God. Pigs and Cows are the most often to be revered. Second think of some of the other names for catfish; hornpout, bullhead, Dali-fish. Alright I made up the last one, but they do resemble Salvador Dali, the famous painter. (See picture above). Take the name hornpout in particular, the Devil is usually depicted as having horns and the hornpout or catfish also has horns. Hardly seems coincidental if you ask me.
What about goats they have horns, you say?
Surely you can’t be serious. Goats are sort of cute so they cannot be symbols of the Devil. If they were they would likely have a name like Devil-sheep. If they were called Devil-sheep I would agree that your question had merit, but since they are not I will dismiss it outright with no further thought.
Where were we? Oh yes. hornpout as the Devil. I see why some would think that. It makes sense. Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don’t know. Putting a representation of the Devil in the back of the Church makes some sense I suppose. I think from my years of experience the fish more likely to be a symbol of the Devil would be a Bluefish. Those things are nasty and seem to have been created by the Devil himself in an attempt to get novice fisherman to get their fingers bitten off.
Sure catfish have been known to sting people. My dad was stung by one once. A lady passerby instructed him to rub the catfish feces on the wound. Without going into to much detail let’s just say that was the wrong thing to do. Maybe you think this means the catfish and the lady were sent there by the devil to trick my father into being stung and have his wound infected by catfish guano, but I think that sounds far-fetched.
The catfish is it just a simple fish that is fun to catch and extremely cheap or is it more than that? Is it perhaps a symbol of God or the Devil? Maybe it was on the wall in the church because catfish and Baptists are popular in the South. Sure this was a church in Massachusetts so it is likely if it were that simple it would have been replaced by a fish more common in the region such as a cod. Perhaps I need prescription glasses and everyone else was right when they said it was not a catfish on the wall below the balcony. Either way I prefer to live in a world where a man can worship a catfish or a grilled cheese sandwich if he chooses. The only thing we know for sure is not to rub its crap on you if it stings you. Seriously that is a really bad idea. Why would anyone believe that was true.
Postscript: I’m sure it is possible someone will read this and be outraged that I wrote about a catfish as possibly being the Lord and savior. Let me just say that I wrote this a few days after the wedding and not after consuming numerous alcoholic beverages at the wedding reception. Also let me say that it was not my intention to offend anyone or to create a new religion that worships catfish. If the former happens I am sorry. If the latter happens well it would probably be strange because the religion would likely see me as some sort of prophet, but I guess it would make for a good story.
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