Bad Movie Ideas Volume One
Like my last column where I made up a rumor about a new Apple product, this column will be about ideas that I made up. Instead of making up rumors about new Apple products I will instead come up with ideas for new movies which I think are terrible, but upon further reflection I will begin to worry that by posting them online they will be stolen by a Hollywood producer desperate for a new idea. Of course this is not true as they only make remakes, sequels and re-imaginings these days.
Jog for the Scratch
A story of five people from across the country who have nothing in common except their obsession with an online game from a popular sports website. The game entails predicting the outcome of various sporting events from a set list of games or players. For example who do you think will win tonight’s game or who will score more points, etc. If you get 25 in a row you win a million dollars. The story will focus mainly on how people’s lives and the lives of their friends and family are turned upside down by their obsession with this game. They neglect their work or pull out their mobile phone in the middle of a job interview or an important business meeting to pick the winner of tonight’s game. They begin waking up at three in the morning to follow a tennis tournament or a soccer match from halfway across the globe even though they would normally have no interest in the outcome. (I resent any implications that this is in any way related to the ESPN game Streak for the Cash. First you have to pick twenty five things correctly in the game in the movie instead of twenty seven in the ESPN game so that is entirely different. If no one believes that excuse we can always say the film was a parody of the game on ESPN’s website. Problem solved. There is also no truth that this movie is trying to capitalize on the popularity of Slumdog Millionaire because it involves people trying to win large sums of money on a game. In this hypothetical game, which was totally made up for the movie, residents of India are not allowed to participate in the game unfortunately so the contestants bear no resemblance to the characters from Slumdog Millionaire.)
Dickness the Movie
The story would be about an ambitious and talented young blogger who starts a blog with expectations that it will be loved by millions all over the world, but instead the site is usually ignored and he is given grief constantly for trying to promote it as people usually think he is promoting some sort of x-rated website. The movie will focus on the heart-wrenching story of the blogger who named the site as a reference to his last name and soon learns that people are quick to judge a site just because it has a name that is similar to that of a part of the male anatomy. He was not a fan of Dick Clark growing up but he has a new found respect for the man as he imagines all of the people who probably hung up on him when he called to offer his services. Dick Clark like so many other courageous men before and after him went with the name Dick even though it would have been much more socially and professionally expedient to go with the name Richard or Rich. The movie only briefly mentions Dick Clark and other people with the first or last name Dick and that is in the closing credits so I apologize for spending so much time in this description of the movie discussing Dick Clark. (For those of you who will joke that this movie was not based on my life story since I spoke of the blogger being ambitious and talented. I will say that some creative license was taken in the script for the movie. Also the ending where the blog becomes wildly successful and the blogger becomes rich beyond his wildest dreams and marries Natalie Portman although it has not technically happened yet is still entirely possible so I do not think it really is as laughable as some critics have suggested.)
If you do not think the ending to Dickness the Movie is possible just look at the picture above of Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson. Many people have dreamt of the above picture happening, but were told by naysayers to get their head out of the clouds that it was not possible, but as Kevin Garnett says “Anything’s Possible”. So what can you say now naysayers?
Heaven is Not Indulgent Enough
The story of Martin Luther who was famous for his protests of the Catholic Church and the selling of Papal Indulgences which was the practice of charging people to get into heaven. In laymen’s terms it is sort of like a get out of jail free card only instead of jail you would substitute heaven. In this story Martin Luther ends up in purgatory and realizes the error of his ways for not supporting the Pope and his practice of selling Indulgences. He is sent back to Earth to stop a Russian madman who has kidnapped the Pope in the hopes of getting the Pope to give Indulgences to him and all of his cronies. (Again I do not get the complaints about this movie idea. People are saying that the title sounds like a Bond movie and that it is offensive to make fun of such a serious subject such as James Bond. First let me say that any similarity to James Bond movies and this film are purely coincidental. We are still hoping Sean Connery will agree to play God, Pierce Brosnan will agree to play the Pope and Ricky Gervais will play Martin Luther. No I am not having a laugh this is a serious movie which combines action, religion and redemption all into one movie. Hopefully Gervais can pull off his first role as an action star. I think he can, but because of the rumors of him being cast as the lead everyone thinks this is meant to be a comedy.)
Make sure to let me know what you think about my movie ideas in the comment section. If you are a Hollywood executive I am willing to entertain offers despite my joke in the beginning of the post and in the title that these ideas were intentionally bad. If you are not a Hollywood executive ignore that last part. I do not like the idea of having Scarlett Johannson play the lead character in the Dickness movie, but if that is what the fans want I would be willing to discuss it although a rewrite would be needed since the main character is currently going to be played by either Leonardo DiCaprio or Brad Pitt due to the requirement that the lead actor be representative of the real life blogger who runs Dickness.com. I do think that Keira Knightley, aka the Pirates of the Caribbean Queen, should play the part of Natalie Portman.
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